My entire life I have struggled with forgiving my mother. She was very young when she had me. From personal experience, I know having a child as a teenager is challenging. Forget that, it's downright hard. But when the challenge of motherhood presents itself, you take the bull by the horns and do your best. I don't feel like she did her best. I feel like she failed miserably. At one point during my teenage years I thought that I had forgiven her. I came to terms with the fact the she was never going to be the mother I hoped for and I was okay with that. I had wonderful grandparents who took up her slack and devoted all of their time and love to my sister and I. But when I found out that I was going to be a mother, all of the "forgiving" I thought I had done went out the window. I immediately started thinking about the kind of mother I wanted to be. I knew I wanted to be the mother who woke up and got her children ready for school everyday. I wanted to make sure they had breakfast and a "Have a great day! I love you!" before they walked out the door. My mother didn't do that. I was the person responsible for waking my sister up and getting her ready, not to mention myself. Why? Because my mother simply didn't want to. Maybe she was hungover from the party she had thrown at our house while my sister and I tried to sleep through the noise. Maybe she wanted to get as much sleep as possible so she could be refreshed for work that day. Oh, wait! She didn't work. She couldn't hold down a job. Or maybe, just maybe she was too lazy to get out of bed and give her kids a kiss before school. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's it. But, I must give her a little credit. She did get up with us one time that I remember. Because she was high on Meth and hadn't slept in three days. I remember asking her if everything was okay, if somebody was hurt or sick because it was so out of character for her to be awake. How sorry is that? I could go on for pages about things that happened, things she did that made me resent her. I'm not going to do that though. But I do have one thing to say to her: Thank you mom. Thank you for showing me the kind of mother I do not want to be.
Like I said, I want to be the kind of mom that makes her kids breakfast before school, who drives them to school and leaves them with a kiss and a "Have a wonderful day!". I want to be the mom who goes to all the PTA meetings, heck, who manages all the PTA meetings! I want to be class mom. I want my girls to be embarrassed by me. I want them to be embarrassed because I am so engrossed in their daily lives and I won't go away. I want to be the mom who has a snack and a "How was your day?" ready when they get home from school. I want to be the mom who helps them with their homework, the crazy mom who is yelling "Go Team Go!" at their soccer games. I want to be the mom who gives them their baths and tucks them in every night with a kiss. I want to be the mom that shows so much love that Briley and Haven never question the love I have for them. I want them to know how much I love them just by my daily actions. I want them to know that the day they came into my life I was changed forever, and have strived to be the best mom I can be, because that's what they deserve. It's what I deserved too, what my sister deserved and we were cheated of that. I will never cheat my girls of having a childhood. While I grew up too fast, I hope they stay young at heart forever.
I hope they know that being a mother is hard. I'm sure they'll both know that someday, and realize that I'm doing the best I can. That's what I hope for, because I don't want them to feel like I ever failed them in any way. I know how it feels to have animosity for a parent, and I never want them to feel that. Not only for me, but for them as well. I never want them to feel the anger and hurt that I've felt so much in my life. I never want them to feel like they're not good enough, that it's something they've done, because they are perfect and I could never stop loving or supporting them.
Briley: I want you to know that the day you came into my life I was truly changed forever. It sounds so cliche to say that I never knew love until I saw you but it's the truth. One day (in the very far future) I hope you are able to experience the love a mother has for her child. I have watched you grow and it breaks my heart daily. You went from a dependent newborn to an independent toddler so fast. Every day I look at you in wonder because you are learning new things daily. You're a reminder of how precious life is, especially my life because I have you in it. I see so much of myself in you, but I hope you make better choices than I did. I love you my little blonde-haired, blue-eyed beauty. Go change the world Briley Madeline. Mommy will be right behind you every step of the way.
Haven: You too have changed my life in more ways than I thought possible. I knew how much I would love you because I knew what love children bring, and I was not disappointed. I hope that you also are able to experience the love I have for you, for your own children. It's what you deserve sweet baby. I watch you change every day and it's already breaking my heart, because I know now from experience to appreciate everything because it will all change so quickly. You are so much like your daddy it amazes me. I hope you grow up to be a strong, independent little girl...but don't grow too fast on your mommy! Know that I will be with you every step of the way. If you wanted to jump out of an airplane and needed love and support I'd be right their beside you, no matter that I am scared to death of heights. Because for you my beautiful Haven Olivia I would walk through hell and back to make sure all of your dreams come true. Mommy loves you sweet baby girl.
I was very apprehensive for the birth of my second daughter, Haven. I wasn’t apprehensive about labor or birth, or even about meeting her. I was apprehensive because I didn’t know how the new addition to my family would affect all of us. Now, don’t get me wrong, she was a planned child. We loved her before she even was a “her.” I was just scared of how to handle two children, and how it would affect my relationship with my husband. I know, I know. We already had one child, how much more could another affect our relationship? Well, more than you would imagine.
It’s not the girls that are affecting our relationship. I never want to blame them for something like that, because they are innocent babies who I wouldn’t give up for the world. Life is affecting us. The other night I was sitting here and it hit me: I miss him. And the crazy thing about that? He was sitting right beside me! He was on his smart phone(the devil made those) and I was reading a book, and we were totally ignoring each other. We don’t have a lot of time together as it is. He works two jobs and I couldn’t be any more proud of him for supporting and loving us. I don’t want you to think I’m ungrateful because I don’t mean to come off that way. The thing is though, he has two jobs, I take care of two kids, and we don’t have time for each other. I thought our relationship was good, was strong, until that night. Now, I realize that although we aren’t having any problems, we have to keep an open line of communication to insure that none pop up. We need to take time out of our days to just ask “How are you?” Whether we get 5 minutes or 50 minutes, as long as it is quality time spent together talking about us and our lives, it’s what we need. And when I say talking about our lives, I don’t mean talking about the kids, or work, or bills, or errands we need to do. I mean we need to talk about us, about why we love each other and what we love about each other. We need to laugh together. We need to share all of our feelings. Our spouses are our best friends, and don’t you tell your best friend everything?
I couldn't live without my husband, so I need to try harder and make sure I never have to. He is the man of my dreams and I am lucky to be living this life with him. So, to end this I will say that I’m going to work on us. I’m going to work to keep the line of communication open. Maybe if I do this I won’t miss the man I married, because he’ll be sitting right beside me.
